When Stupid Gets Super

He wished for the power to grant his own wishes, which, contrary to popular belief, there is no rule prohibiting, so the genie rolled his eyes and gave him that power, then asked if there would be anything else.

“I get two more, now, don’t I?”

And the genie stared at him a while before saying, “yes, you do.” Then the genie granted him a lifetime supply of MGD and “a 12 inch wiener,” which was actually a hot dog (with mustard and relish). The boy stared at the foot-long and wondered how the genie had gotten it so wrong, but by the time he turned to ask him, the genie was gone.

“I guess I’ll make my wishes, then,” he said. And he set about making improvements to his body, home, and life. A few days later his sister came to visit, and she was amazed. 

“Look at you, golly,” she said, “you’re a totally new man, fantastic mansion, awesome cars, you’ve really got it all!”

And he laughed and scratched and conjured a pizza with extra garlic butter sauce, and they played GTA for hours. It was a fun night, but it was her last. She disappeared after suggesting to him, “hey, you know what? You should wish yourself the smartest man in the world!”

Because even though he couldn’t remember what it was like, those few minutes of the first day, when he was the smartest man in the world, even though he couldn’t remember the specific thoughts that were in his head when he knew and realized and understood and “got it” more than anyone in the world, he could remember the fear and the terror and the screaming and how quickly he wished himself stupid again — and when she suggested it he’d nearly pissed his pants, and he couldn’t let her be around if she was going to say stupid shit like that. 

1. Three Wishes

2. Grand Theft Auto

3. Get it?